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Locked behind a mind that chooses to eat at me, chooses to tear away at me, to betray me. This is where I stand straight and true, behind the walls and bars that unwillingly I look through. I hate my diagnosis, I hate my disease, I now know why it is that I am the way I am- but still find that way unacceptable to me. The inner workings of a deranged sick twisted mind, the inner workings of a tortured mind, a tortured spirit - not knowing who, what, when, or where; not understanding
posted by Carla 6/15/2004 09:48:00 AM

My friend and I got into a discussion and this is how I have responded:




So, I found a moment on the computer and just wanted to elaborate on a conversation that we had earlier without thoughts taking the conversation elsewhere.

I got to see the movie Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (perfect chick flick for those of us with emotional problems)... and I saw/heard the quote you were trying to get to....
love you get over in two months, good love - two years, but great love changes you for the rest of your life...

good quote. Unfortunate for people that come into your life after a person that has had a great love, as seen/heard in the quote that a man will only have one great love, anything after will not be the same nor compare to that love. Again, no hope for any one that comes into a persons life after a "great" love. So, after a great love there is no hope to love like that again and there is only going to be settling for the next best thiing there is out there (and let's face it, who wants to settle or know that they are the one someone is settling with). Let me play devil's advocate (since I am heathen anyway).... if you are a religious or spiritual person shouldn't the "great" love of your life be your higher power? Who is to say that those are the rules to only have one "great" love and then that it is it, no more for you (no soup for you)? Isn't it possible to love completely, different people, at different times of your life, that cause you to evolve... Isn't that what life is about...evolving, growing, becoming... what once worked then, doesn't necessarily work now?

You had asked me on the phone if I had a great love... yes, my children, my spirituality. Maybe I pity myself for the fact that I have never known the love that moves mountains, and yet, maybe I pity you for believing that there is only one "great" love. For maybe we both have shut doors and created walls for different reasons, the effect is still the same - we are not living life as we were meant to - loving, giving, and sharing of ourselves completely. I digress....


posted by Carla 4/23/2004 05:45:00 PM

Is the longing to have a great love, something that Disney kept marketing for years and years, simply based on ideas and the abstract, more of a faith in a hypothesis than based on pure fact? I long to be loved as I love. I love experience the joy of sharing me, the joy of giving of myself to another completely. I have held my heart back from so much, that in many ways it often makes one wonder whether or not there was a full heart beating in my chest. There is. It is filled with fear, insecurity, worry, doubt, and yet it is filled with dreams, hope, pure raw emotions. I love making others feel good, it brings a sense of goodness of myself. I receive so much joy in giving... but what is it that has held me back from giving completely in the past. Is it some kind of protection that I had built up, so that I wouldn't be destroyed, or is it intuition that has held me back, somehow knowing that it wasn't true? I have to think about the reasons why and why now of all time that things are totally out of my hands. Where have I lost sight of myself, where was it that I put on a front of not believing, where did I begin to hide myself (even from me), where did this pain within me come from and why has it become an ordeal to release it? In order to look forward and enjoy the present, I must bring understanding and closure to my past, how can I do that, when there is so much I have missing in it?
posted by Carla 2/13/2004 01:55:00 PM

So, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. It seems as though it is not going to be what I was hoping for. I have been asked by two (plus one indirectly) to go out tomorrow. One of which is a friend, perv none the less, but I know he wants something from me that I am not willing to give him. Another, is an older friend (older as in age), who doesn't know who he is, homeless, no job, no ambition, takes pills to get on with life, and wants me to be his. The indirect one came from a fellow co worker, that is never subtle in what he is trying to say and do-yet he won't just come out and say it. Please. I wonder if I have looking for a loser or I am a loser written on my forehead the only those that are somewhat unstable can see. Bachelor #1 is very strange, pleasant to talk with, but very strange. Bachelor #2 is certifiable and has papers to prove it. Bachelor #3... well, don't shit where you eat. All this now leads me to my point, that as of this moment, my one friend, has not asked what it is that I am doing tomorrow or whether he would like to do something tomorrow. I have denied every one else (not like they were top pickings, but at least I wouldn't be alone for Valentine's Day), waiting and hoping to ask still as of right now, hasn't said a single word. Why is that I wonder? He asks me for his opinions on looking at buying a house, he says I am the reason he didn't pursue leaving town, so he doesn't ask for tomorrow? That makes no sense to me. The other night, he held me so I could cry and feel safe and not alone when I did. He actually had tears roll down his face. I love him. I gave him most of his Valentine's Day presents. He was suprised and loved everything. It was well thought out and I spent a lot of time making sure it would be what he would like. So, that is how the cookie has begun to crumble. Every moment I spend in his company, I feel myself losing a battle to not give in completely to him. I know that it has become too late. He know holds my heart. I feel unworthy of him. He is a diamond, where as I feel like lead. His ambition, his education, his focus, his dreams... I admire all of his qualities, and some how worry that it would be wasted upon me. I can't bring myself to fully express that, but there it will lie in my thoughts everytime I am near him. My sister has already made plans to take my children all day (I didn't even ask her - and she didn't really ask me - she told me). Well, whatever happens, happens... but I know I shouldn't wait around (which is what I will probably do), I know that I need to get out and do something (of which, I will probably miss him the whole time). Did Hallmark create this Holiday? A great marketing ploy. Now, I am beginning to sound cynical and bitter. I won't have that.. I can not feel sorry for myself, I mean afterall, some people have no one that will ask them out. Maybe I am just reeling with the feeling of abandonment, the fears of my childhood still attached to me taking upon lives of their own.
posted by Carla 2/13/2004 01:38:00 PM

Lucky you...Frodo is your soul mate! Nice, sweet
caring hobbit. You enjoy spending time by
yourself but you enjoy the companie of others
at time. Now you can just stare deeply in his
big blue eyes and you will know you are meant
for each other!


Which hobbit is your soul mate/Ideal Husband?
brought to you by Quizilla

posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:23:00 PM

You are Peppe le Pew (without the smell).

You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to
enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family
person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday.
Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:14:00 PM

You have selected mango.

A mango lover is a personality to be reckoned with; quite often you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, and influencing you is no easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes and dislikes; and at times even like to control a situation. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge. Strong as you may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, and make up for all the strong will elsewhere!

You have selected peach.

Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life it all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, and are quite frank and outspoken, which adds to your charm. You are quick to forgive and forget; and value your friendships highly. You have an independent and ambitious streak in you, that makes you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery and passionate but sincere and faithful in love. You don't however like to display all that passion in public.

You have selected orange.

If orange is your favorite fruit; it speaks of a person who has enduring patience and willpower. You like to do things slowly; but very thoroughly and are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy; but are a reliable and trustworthy friend. You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care and you love with all your heart, and are not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs.
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:12:00 PM

You have selected hair.

You are an artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby, but you can achieve what most other people cannot. You are lacking in dedication, but you will work tirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. Money is not important. Friends are but only intellectuals and fellow artistic types. You make the best sex partner as you are most willing to explore and please the other partner. Talent is your main strength. Your best partner in life will be those who chose Chest and Privates.

This is a shower test
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:10:00 PM

Romantic . . . Dreamy . . . Emotional

You are a very sensitive person. You refuse to view things only from
a sober, rational standpoint. What your feelings tell you is just as
important to you. In fact, you feel it is important to have dreams
in life, too.

You reject people who scorn romanticism and are guided only by
rationality. You refuse to let anything confine the rich variety of
your moods and emotions.
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:08:00 PM

Introspective . . . Sensitive . . . Reflective

You come to grips more frequently and thoroughly with yourself
and your environment than do most people. You detest superficiality;
you'd rather be alone than have to suffer through small talk. But
your relationships with your friends are highly intensive, which
gives you the inner tranquillity and harmony that you need in order
to feel good. However it is no problem for you to be alone for
extended periods of time, without becoming bored.
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:07:00 PM

Interpretations below:

I.
Priorities in your life:
pride
career
family
love
money

II.
You would describe your own personality as being needy
You would describe your partner's personality as being sexy
You would describe your enemy's personality as being disgusting
You interpret sex as being smooth
You would describe your own life as being relaxing turmoil

III.
Charles will never forget you.
You consider Eric as your real friend.
You really love Aurora.
Your soul-mate is probably Mama.
You will always remember Phil for the rest of your life.

posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:05:00 PM

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing and always
interesting; someone who is constantly the center of attention,
but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to your head.
They see you also as kind, considerate and understanding;
someone who will cheer them up and help them out.
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 02:01:00 PM

Your priorities in life:

Family
Job/Career
Friends
Sex
Money/Wealth

posted by Carla 2/10/2004 01:58:00 PM

Quite good!
You can easily attract the opposite sex, but you are not easily fell
into the loving trap. Your humor makes them want to get along with
you. He/She will be happy being with you!
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 12:53:00 PM

1. The road represents your attitude towards falling in love.

You chose the long road--you take your time and do not fall in
love easily.

2. The number of red roses represents how much you give in a
relationship, while the number of white represents what you
expect in return.

You give 5% and expect 95% in return.

3. This question represents your attitude towards handling
relationship problems.

You asked the family member to get your significant other--you
like to avoid problems and hope that they will solve themselves.

4. The placement of the roses determines how much you like to see
your boy/girlfriend.

You want to place the roses on the bed--you like to see him/her
a lot.

5. This represents your attitude towards his/her personality.

You prefer the person to be asleep--you love the person as the
way s/he is.

6. The road to home tells how long you stay in love with someone.

You chose the longer road--you will tend to stay in love for
a long time.

That's all folks. Best wishes to those who are in love.
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 12:51:00 PM

1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and
free.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she
loves you.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is stylish.

4. What you hate most in your partner is that the person is
ruthless, cold-blooded, and/or ironic.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.

7. You always want to get married, but in fact, you don't even know
what it really is.

8. At this moment, you are quite self-centered; you think of love as
something you can get and trash anytime you want.
posted by Carla 2/10/2004 12:47:00 PM

2 THE HELPEREnneagram Type Two



The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and PossessiveBasic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being lovedBasic Desire: To feel lovedEnneagram Two with a One-Wing: "Servant"Enneagram Two with a Three-Wing: "The Host/Hostess" Healthy: Empathetic, compassionate, feeling for others. Caring and concerned about their needs. Thoughtful, warm-hearted, forgiving and sincere. / Encouraging and appreciative, able to see the good in others. Service is important, but takes care of self too: they are nurturing, generous, and giving — a truly loving person. At Their Best: Become deeply unselfish, humble, and altruistic: giving unconditional love to self and others. Feel it is a privilege to be in their lives of others. Average: Want to be closer to others, so start "people pleasing", becoming overly friendly, emotionally demonstrative, and full of "good intentions" about everything. Give seductive attention: approval, "strokes," flattery. Love their supreme value, and they talk about it constantly. / Become overly intimate and intrusive: they need to be needed, so they hover, meddle, and control in the name of love. Want others to depend on them: give, but expect a return: send double messages. Enveloping and possessive: the codependent, self-sacrificial person who cannot do enough for others — wearing themselves out for everyone, creating needs for themselves to fulfill. / Increasingly self-important and self-satisfied, feel they are indispensable, although they overrate their efforts in others' behalf. Hypochondria, becoming a "martyr" for others. Overbearing, patronizing, presumptuous. Unhealthy: Can be manipulative and self-serving, instilling guilt by telling others how much they owe them and make them suffer. Abuse food and medication to "stuff feelings" and get sympathy. Undermine people, making belittling, disparaging remarks. Extremely self-deceptive about their motives and how aggressive and/or selfish their behavior is. / Domineering and coercive: feel entitled to get anything they want from others: the repayment of old debts, money, sexual favors. / Able to excuse and rationalize what they do since they feel abused and victimized by others and are bitterly resentful and angry. Somatization of their aggressions result in chronic health problems as they vindicate themselves by "falling apart" and burdening others. Generally corresponds to the Histrionic Personality Disorder and Factitious Disorder.Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves. Examples: Mother Teresa, Barbara Bush, Eleanor Roosevelt, Leo Buscaglia, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Cosby, Barry Manilow, Lionel Richie, Kenny G., Luciano Pavarotti, Lillian Carter, Sammy Davis, Jr., Martin Sheen, Robert Fulghum, Alan Alda, Richard Thomas, Jack Paar, Sally Jessy Raphael, Bishop Desmond Tutu, Ann Landers, "Melanie Hamilton" (Gone With the Wind). and "Dr. McCoy" (Star Trek). Enneagram Twos and: § Personal Growth§ Compatibility with Other Types§ AddictionsAll nine 2,800+ word expanded type descriptions are available to purchasers of the online RHETI Enneagram test. For a free sample, see the expanded description of Type Eight ("The Challenger"). These descriptions contain new materials on relationships, personal growth, Levels of Development, and more. For the most complete type descriptions available anywhere, see our books, particularly Personality Types and The Wisdom of the Enneagram.Learn More Make sure you have Personality Types, the most complete, in-depth, systematic treatment of the nine types and the Enneagram system as a whole.

Tell Others You Are an Enneagram Type TwoIf you have a homepage or a weblog where you would like to show others that you are an Enneagram Type Two, you can place one of these images on your site:



To do this, just copy the following code. Lefthand (male):free enneagram test Righthand (female):free enneagram test

When one of these images is installed on your site it will link back to the Enneagram Institute to let your visitors learn more about the Enneagram and your personality type.


posted by Carla 2/09/2004 03:40:00 PM

free enneagram test
posted by Carla 2/09/2004 03:37:00 PM

Listening to my heart

So, I listened to my heart, had some crazy days there afterward, but it is all working out. Slowly, but surely, and that is what counts. I can't help but feel like a great weight has been released off of me and it just feels good. It feels good to know the person I care about, knows how much I care and I trust them with my heart not to destroy me. I feel released. So much since writing him has happened, and since that moment I saw chances being offered to me to go with someone else, but I just couldn't take it, I just realized that I enjoy where I am right now and that I look forward to every moment I spend with him. I wake up in a better mood and sleep soundly (most of the time, can't expect immediate miracles). He is who I want to be, he is who I want to grow old with, he is just amazing. I have always thought that it was important to be compatible or compliment another through different layers.. First being, Spiritual, then emotional, next intellectual, and lastly the physical... I see us working out on all levels.. and I don't know about the last one yet, I can only guess. He is taking his time and as my mother has called me, I am tempting. I don't want more to happen then either one of us feel comfortable with and that is that on that subject. I do believe I am happy.
posted by Carla 2/05/2004 02:37:00 PM

Society Rant
I just think that if our grandparents knew what was going to happen to society that they wouldn't have made it through the depression, they wouldn't have strived to create better lives for themselves and the future generations. There is a saying about how when a person is dead, they will not be remembered for their bank account or what kind of car they drove, but they will be remembered if they made a difference in the life of a child. Children are the answer to the future and people need to make a concientious decision to create a better world for and through them. Morals and values are no longer taught, they don't even have the Pledge of Allegiance in school any more... what is that supposed to teach them. Children are learning drug use from their homes, watching their parents fight and destroy the family unit, and for what... nothing, selfishness, me, me, me... no thought of the child they are molding. Most people shouldn't have children, especially because of the way they raise and treat them... Children are blessings of life, filled with whatever you place in them.. love, hate, beauty, anger, they have become the product of their parents.. the sins of the parent marks upon the child... As a whole, I believe that society has forgotten to fill these beautiful gifts of light and purity with the gifts of love, knowledge, patience, compassion, respect ... is it because this generation lost sight or was never exposed to these values. What happened to the roles the household had.. the provider, the nuturer, role models, everyone having responsibility to help with the house, because they made up the home. Life is often what you make of it, and it is what you put out there unto the world that will come back ten fold, so isn't human nature to put forth hope and beauty especially through our children, or has it reached a point society has turned their back on the very ones holding our future.

Family Values
Is there no more family values, has society decided to raise the future generations with a television set filled with images of sex and violence... What happened to the family unit.. nowadays on television you see all kinds of dysfunctional families, is that art imitating life, or life condemned to imitate art. I think that it has become necessary for people to say no more. No more, to the smut on tv, No more to the violence in every day shows, No more, to watching or listening to vulgar activities. Turn the channel, you might respond, but there is no more channel to turn to. Where did all of this begin to get destroyed? Where did people lose sight of the values and morals of life and living? Were we born with a price tag on our foreheads, NO! Yet, we continue to sell ourselves, prostitute ourselves out for everything. I am disgusted with this and I can only hope that more and more people are out there like me, that can raise a new generation to repair and re establish the values and morals that somehow got lost sight of.


posted by Carla 2/05/2004 02:16:00 PM

So, okay I am lit and I happened to write my male friend and this is what I sent him:

Thank you for this evening. I had a wonderful time, even if I was unable to keep you out until 5 in the morning... I have found that I have the best times with you, that meeting you and getting to know you is the best thing that could happen to me and that I am eternally grateful to the Higher Powers that be for putting me in your path and you deciding to get to know me. I see that the more time I spend with you, the more time I want with you. I know that I should be asleep for work tomorrow, instead my brother had me drink him under the table (a birthday present - he turned twenty today) and I find myself consumed with thoughts of you (and a little drunk). To be completely honest, I think about you all the time. I know that I am possibly making it impossible for you to continue to be my friend, but I am falling for you. This is unsafe territory for me. I know that what I feel for you might not be recipricated, but this has happened beyond my control... and if you haven't noticed, the one thing I like to control is my emotions. You are amazing. I find myself lost in your eyes and drowning in your words... You had teased me in regards to loving you, but who could help themselves, you make it impossible not to love you. Like a diamond, you have many facets... all which I long to explore and get to know. I see you and my world seems brighter, even when you tend to be hard on me. I have never felt like this and it scares me, but what scares me more is the possibility of not being able to be around you in some way shape or form. I feel like a moth to a flame and I am becoming engulfed by feelings unfamiliar to me. Electricity runs through me every time I am with you, I feel alive and vibrant and you have so much to offer. Sometimes, I lie awake thinking that you'll realize how undeserving I might really be of you and leave and all I will have is the memory of you. My mind soaks up everything you say, my body feels like an instrument tuned by your hands. In your eyes I see something that I want, and that brings a fear deep within me. If some one told me that I would one day feel like this, I would have laughed at them, telling them I knew better then to allow myself to be vulernable to one person's whim... yet, here I am.. Confessing my thoughts to you in an e mail.. here I am wanting so much more, wanting to consume you as you have me. You ask me what it is that I want, can't you see it... I want you. I enjoy our talks, your sense of humor matches mine, your values, your dreams... Where I want to be in two years is your arms... I know you are a good person with a kind, beautiful soul.. yet, I don't want my feelings to be used against me, I don't want my feelings to end up messing the friendship I found with you. The more time I spend with you, I find myself having to look away, so that you wouldn't be able to see the emotions that rage within me for you ... the last thing I want to do is freak you out or make it so that you don't want to spend any time with me, but somehow, I find myself away from the party, in the basement, drink in hand, writing you the things I find little courage to say. I have wanted to say these things to you, your name wishes to be whispered from my lips, and yet, I have held it all in until now. Right now I can recall the taste of your skin, the smell of you, the feel of your hands upon me.. I desire you, but there is more to it than that. I am in complete awe of you, the person you are. Yes, I want to scream to you, yes, you are the person I want to lie next to and wake the next morning and see. What is it that I have to offer you? That I don't know and I faer that I have nothing to offer. All I have is me, me and my children (whom mean the world to me)... Somehow, "under the radar" you have found yourself in the same circle of importance as my children.... Scary. I know you could hurt me as no one else could. How could I allow myself to be so vulernable??!! Without looking there you were... I was not looking to find someone, I had given up on the whole Disney idea, the whole idea of having someone to grow old with.. Then Bammm there you are, engulfing me, consuming me. I used to tell my grandmother (since I was four years old, she'll testify to it) that she would one day have to bury me, because I don't have long, I would tell her... now, visions of you with my children, carrying your children, and growing old with you invade my mind, you have conquered the walls I held, secured, and found security in. My brother has broken me into tears (mind you, he isn't nice to me when he is drunk), saying things in regards to my children, how they are not my life, how I have nothing to offer them.... He has found the words to my fears and here I sit, wanting a life of my own, and yet being told by my little brother that I have no right to it. This is my family... the same people that took an innocent child and turned them into me... amazing what a few people can do to the human spirit of one person, yet, I didn't break, I kept a little hope chest within me closed tight and tucked deep within where no one could get to it. Here you are and my hope chest is open, wanting to give so much, unsure and scared of whether this is the right thing to do. I digress... I am sure that come morning I'll regret writing this, but right now it seems like it had to be done. I love you.

Now, I wish I could take it all back and go to sleep. Unfortunately, I sent it and he will be up in only three hours to catch his train to Philly and then to NY. Maybe he'll be a gentleman and just ignore it, realize all the things I must have ignored when he was drunk talking to me and think that this is my get out of jail free card..... I don't know, all I know is the rom is starting to spin and I have four hours until I have to get ready for work.
posted by Carla 1/30/2004 03:32:00 AM

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